Please excuse me because I'm going to rant today; not because I think life is terrible, because life has been awfully good to me. I have a wonderful husband who I adore and who loves me equally. I have happy healthy grown children with lovely grandchildren for me to enjoy. We have been amply blessed in the work/job/income area. We are both healthy, we have heaps of friends and extended family, so you might be asking yourself, "Then what does she have to complain about?"
I suffer from plain old jealousy, that's what. Don't get me wrong, I don't envy very much. Material things don't impress me because that's just what they are, "material," and to me that reads--temporary. Temporary because it isn't long after you've acquired that special "something" that you just "had to have" that it's luster wears off and you're on to the next big thing.
I figured this scam out somewhere in my forties (wish it had been sooner) and now, ahem...a good while later, I have seen through the ruse. There is nothing material I need or want--in fact, I'm continually giving or throwing things away. Other than necessities, I can't think of any "thing" that would give me pleasure that lasts.
Now, when it comes to loved ones, that's an entirely different matter. I cherish my time with those I love and I would trade any material possession over time with them, if it ever came to that. Time spent with my close friends and family is what life is all about. No one will care what car I drove or what jewelry I wore when I leave this planet, but they will remember that I was there in their time of need, that I cared for them deeply, and that I shared in the laughter and fun that life gave us. That is what I become "envious" of--being with those I care about.
A week from today, my husband needs to return to the states to renew his Greencard (he is Australian). He will spend a week there and needs to be in Cleveland where the INS offices are and also where my first son and his family lives. He will stay with them while he is in Cleveland and then drive to our home in Toledo where my second son and his family lives.
How unfair is that? I am sooo jealous, I can't tell you. I can't rationalize any way for me to accompany him, and believe me, I've tried.
First, it is only for a week and second, it is financially irresponsible to take hundreds of dollars out of our account for such a short visit. His company is paying his way in order to get the Greencard.
I could stay longer and justify the expense, but we have just returned from three weeks in Australia and I have been absent from my weekly bridge group, my book club, my gym (oh how I need to get back into my routine), my knitting group, and my friends who keep asking, "When can we get together?" It's funny, you know, I now feel an obligation to be here whereas our first year here I felt only obliged to what was happening in the states. I guess I've found the life here I wanted and when I am away, I miss what is going on here. For instance, the week my husband is away, I am scheduled to attend an art exhibit, an evening out with friends at a comedy club, lunch with a dear friend, a shopping excursion with another friend, bridge, and Needlers. I have been away so long that it has been a month now since I've seen my friends.
No, it would be terribly wrong for me to be that selfish and leave my life here just because the yellow-eyed demon of jealousy has struck again. Grrrrr, how to come to terms with it? I think that in all of our 11 years of marriage (yes, this is a second marriage for both of us), never has my husband been so fortunate to see my children/grandchildren when I haven't been with him and yes, it seems unfair--to me, but not my boys or husband.
My boys are ecstatic! Yea! They get to chum with pops and let me tell you, he is a father to them in every way imaginable. He has loved them as his own and they in turn love him to pieces. They are so excited that they have forgotten that I, their mother, might be a bit sad that I won't be seeing them too. In fact, I don't think it's crossed their minds yet. They have been emailing him and telling him how much they look forward to his visit and on an on.
Kinda makes a mom feel left out.
Kinda makes a mom proud that her sons love her husband so much.